So I was hoping tonight would be ok. DH has a small cold and baby Charles hasn't really slept well since getting his shots on Thursday. But I was thinking they were all getting over that.
Nope.
DH and I bickered, well, outright fought. Which usually doesn't happen when the other 4 kids aren't here, which they weren't tonight. It's so freaking stupid. I'm so tired of bickering. I'm so tired of feeling like things aren't going to get easier or better or whatever.
I finally decided I'd try to get to sleep before 11 pm tonight. Lights out at 10:45 after reading for a bit and simmering down after our bicker-fest. 10:52 Charles decides he's going to give me hell.
Screaming. I completely lost my temper and did something I haven't done since, I'm ashamed to admit this, my last marriage. My fists went through the closet door - you know one of those louvered ugly sliding doors. Ugh, I'm such a dumb ass.
Charles is still awake, giving me hell. I needed a break so here I type at 11:28 wishing to God he would just fall off back to sleep on his own right now.
I'm wasted tired knowing that I'll have to get up at 2 am to pump like an ounce because my body is too stupid to make enough milk to feed my own baby and then get up at 5:45 for the day. Try to muddle through work and wish I could be home with Charles to help him get through whatever weird 4 month old baby crap he's going through that's making him act like this.
Some days I swear I could just clock the next person who walks in front of me. Ok, back up to help little man. Sheesh, this is so one of the parts of parenting that is not very much fun. I need a fast forward button. Oh, but don't skimp out on the pause and rewind buttons - they are just as illusive.
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