Honesty with myself

I'll be perfectly honest. I love my children. I love my step-children. But not in the same way. Honestly - I could love them in the same way if it weren't for their mother. She is mean. She makes them mean. She says bad things, they behave accordingly.

My children are so different when the step-children aren't there. Now some behavioral differences should be expected just based on the number of children but I mean there are fundamental differences.

My older step-son doesn't seem to enjoy anything. Don't get me wrong, he laughs and smiles and goofs around at the dinner table but when it comes to being happy because someone else is having a birthday or went on a trip he doesn't seem capable. He doesn't even enjoy the things we give him - there is always a problem or it wasn't exactly what he wanted. It's a real downer. I guess his mother is like that. You know the type - nothing is ever good enough. But the kid is only 6 - shouldn't he be thrilled about everything?

My other step-son is much happier but doesn't listen - at all. He'll look right at you after you've told him not to do something and he'll do it. He also likes to tell me that he's going to kill me. He likes to hit and bite. Now he's only 4 he doesn't really know what he's saying but whoa, what 4 year old threatens death? Another real downer.

And how could those things not affect my children?

I feel like my kids are getting the short end of the stick. I feel bad for baby Charles torn between these two worlds.

I also feel that this is a wonderful opportunity for all the children to learn how to relate to others. But when is enough enough?

And the differences cause fights between me and my DH. The fact that his kids don't get any additional financial support for extra activities from their biological mother doesn't help the the situation either. Constant source of contention between us.

Even my MIL sees differences and she gets jealous. She is unfair and unequal in her treatment of the children. How do you explain that???

I'm thinking of this today because we'll have my kids tonight but not my step-kids. I will really enjoy the night. And tomorrow when we have them all I know I'll walk through the door when I come home with trepidation for how the night will go. How many times will we bicker? How many times will DH let Patrick get away with things he doesn't let my kids get away with? How many times will Carter sneer at me. Who will give me a hard time about eating dinner?

Negativity is a self-fulfilling prophesy, this I know. But history taints any optimism with logs full of examples demonstrating why I should expect the worst.

I only have my children sans step-children once every 2 weeks. We rarely have my step-children without mine present.

How do we solve these problems? We cannot go to family therapy because the step-children's egg donor won't let us take them. Do we spend more time apart? If so then who gets to take baby Charles since he belongs to both sides?

I really don't know the answer. Frankly I'm not even sure of the questions to ask.

So tonight I shall try to enjoy my children. Tomorrow is a full day.