Not our best night

So I was hoping tonight would be ok. DH has a small cold and baby Charles hasn't really slept well since getting his shots on Thursday. But I was thinking they were all getting over that.

Nope.

DH and I bickered, well, outright fought. Which usually doesn't happen when the other 4 kids aren't here, which they weren't tonight. It's so freaking stupid. I'm so tired of bickering. I'm so tired of feeling like things aren't going to get easier or better or whatever.

I finally decided I'd try to get to sleep before 11 pm tonight. Lights out at 10:45 after reading for a bit and simmering down after our bicker-fest. 10:52 Charles decides he's going to give me hell.

Screaming. I completely lost my temper and did something I haven't done since, I'm ashamed to admit this, my last marriage. My fists went through the closet door - you know one of those louvered ugly sliding doors. Ugh, I'm such a dumb ass.

Charles is still awake, giving me hell. I needed a break so here I type at 11:28 wishing to God he would just fall off back to sleep on his own right now.

I'm wasted tired knowing that I'll have to get up at 2 am to pump like an ounce because my body is too stupid to make enough milk to feed my own baby and then get up at 5:45 for the day. Try to muddle through work and wish I could be home with Charles to help him get through whatever weird 4 month old baby crap he's going through that's making him act like this.

Some days I swear I could just clock the next person who walks in front of me. Ok, back up to help little man. Sheesh, this is so one of the parts of parenting that is not very much fun. I need a fast forward button. Oh, but don't skimp out on the pause and rewind buttons - they are just as illusive.

Ok, so I realized that I left this blog with a bit of sourness. I took a few days break and I've regrouped.

Overall we had a good weekend. We spent Saturday putting up the outside Halloween decs which was great. The kids had a blast with it and overall everything went well. Sunday dragged on and on and on though.

Patrick - stepson#2 bit my son on the arm. This is the 4th or 5th time he's bitten T-bone. Last week he bit Carter (stepson#1) so hard he broke the skin. I know he's only 4 but seriously, he should know better. He was grounded from the Wii. Then he tried to lie and say he didn't do it.

I don't know were this kid gets his violence from but it really pisses me off. I try very hard to use a soft touch when dealing with the step kids because I don't need them running off to mommy-dearest with BS stories about me doing bad things - we've already been down that path of lies and it aint pretty.

Everyone was ok though. Elizabeth had terrible tummy pains and I think she had a bit of a bug yesterday. She's at school today and feeling a bit better but she hates when I won't let her around baby Charles.

I'm plugging along at work and it's almost lunch time :)

Man, I need to find a way to motivate myself into losing weight. I'm such a pig and feel like I constantly need to be eating something. I'm just like my mother - ouch, that was painful to say.

I need a weight watchers friend. I just wish I could find someone. DH needs to lose some, ok a lot, of weight too. Maybe he could be my friend???

Time to start thinking about a plan of action. Whoa, listen to those rusty wheels start to churn - squeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!!!!

Honesty with myself

I'll be perfectly honest. I love my children. I love my step-children. But not in the same way. Honestly - I could love them in the same way if it weren't for their mother. She is mean. She makes them mean. She says bad things, they behave accordingly.

My children are so different when the step-children aren't there. Now some behavioral differences should be expected just based on the number of children but I mean there are fundamental differences.

My older step-son doesn't seem to enjoy anything. Don't get me wrong, he laughs and smiles and goofs around at the dinner table but when it comes to being happy because someone else is having a birthday or went on a trip he doesn't seem capable. He doesn't even enjoy the things we give him - there is always a problem or it wasn't exactly what he wanted. It's a real downer. I guess his mother is like that. You know the type - nothing is ever good enough. But the kid is only 6 - shouldn't he be thrilled about everything?

My other step-son is much happier but doesn't listen - at all. He'll look right at you after you've told him not to do something and he'll do it. He also likes to tell me that he's going to kill me. He likes to hit and bite. Now he's only 4 he doesn't really know what he's saying but whoa, what 4 year old threatens death? Another real downer.

And how could those things not affect my children?

I feel like my kids are getting the short end of the stick. I feel bad for baby Charles torn between these two worlds.

I also feel that this is a wonderful opportunity for all the children to learn how to relate to others. But when is enough enough?

And the differences cause fights between me and my DH. The fact that his kids don't get any additional financial support for extra activities from their biological mother doesn't help the the situation either. Constant source of contention between us.

Even my MIL sees differences and she gets jealous. She is unfair and unequal in her treatment of the children. How do you explain that???

I'm thinking of this today because we'll have my kids tonight but not my step-kids. I will really enjoy the night. And tomorrow when we have them all I know I'll walk through the door when I come home with trepidation for how the night will go. How many times will we bicker? How many times will DH let Patrick get away with things he doesn't let my kids get away with? How many times will Carter sneer at me. Who will give me a hard time about eating dinner?

Negativity is a self-fulfilling prophesy, this I know. But history taints any optimism with logs full of examples demonstrating why I should expect the worst.

I only have my children sans step-children once every 2 weeks. We rarely have my step-children without mine present.

How do we solve these problems? We cannot go to family therapy because the step-children's egg donor won't let us take them. Do we spend more time apart? If so then who gets to take baby Charles since he belongs to both sides?

I really don't know the answer. Frankly I'm not even sure of the questions to ask.

So tonight I shall try to enjoy my children. Tomorrow is a full day.

Congrats to an online friend

Sooooo, I LOVE pregnancy.org - what an amazing group of women! That's my props in that direction.

But just wanted to blog about one of my favorite people to stalk over there. Buckeyebaby -
CONGRATULATIONS on your wonderful BFP!!!!

I am looking forward to staking you through the next 9 months girl!

Sheesh

Baby Charles had a fever yesterday morning and a croupy cough. So I decided to take him to the doc. Got the other kids ready for school and put their stuff in the van.

Went out to the van to leave - flat tire. Ugh.

All's well that ends well. Babe's ok and got the tire fixed.

What a PITA though. I'm glad it's Friday.

Giggles

So yesterday was my first "full" day back to work. I was naturally feeling guilty about leaving baby Charles with the day care center. But, as usual, he made me feel so much better.

Picked that little guy up and he was all smiles. Got him home and we hung out on my bed "talking" and he started giggling. He would look away and then back at me and giggle in his own little version of peek-a-boo. It was just so sweet and I indulged myself and enjoyed his little laughter.

Then he slept from 8 pm to 6:30 am without a peep last night.

I am trully blessed - giggles, wiggles and all.

Work

Seems so unfair sometimes. I don't like that we're going to hire someone new to do no more than I do and who will make at least if not more than me.

I should grow a set and ask my boss for a raise. I'm already the lowest paid member of my "team". How's that fair?

I know I'm not the "lead" on one of our major project but that's not for lack of asking and trying. In fact my boss made me project manager on a small/medium project because he didn't have anything else available to give to me. I guess I'm lucky to have my job but come on! Plus the drive here is killing me.

I'm just feeling particularly let down today. I should let the feeling part just go and do my best to illustrate how great I am. But some days I just wanna dye the boss's hair green write loser on his forehead with a sharpie and laugh my a$$ off. I'm so juvie sometimes.